Saturday, May 30, 2009

Message to Myself.

Yesterday was a full day; as today shall be. I woke and rushed about getting the kids out the door. Then I had to pick up Jamie who is doing the plumbing. I dropped him off at my shop and I took off to the hospital to see my mom before her exploratory surgery. The first of god knows how many. As I walked the halls my mind took me back to March when I had surgery. I was very scared. Jonathan was with me and it did give me strength that day. I reached deep inside and thought about what he would say to me if he was here. I would have reached for his hand...

Walking around the curtain I smiled. She was covered to her neck with a flannel sheet. I asked her how she was and if she was cold. She filled up and told me she was doing ok. The topic went to the room temp, I told her how cold I was and cracked a cpl jokes about me wanting the nurses to heat the blankets before they give them to me. Her and my sister burst out laughing and said I musta thought I was in a hotel!!!! lolol. I thought about Jonathan and how he wants to live in a hotel. LOL.

We all sat there and didn't say much after that. We talked of how she would pay for living in St. John's. Idk. I have to help her. I will. They came to roll her to the OR and we went with her. She talked to the dr who put her to sleep and off she went. We went in the other direction...

I took my sister to lunch and then went back to the shop. Only one was allowed to stay after she came out. I got the call that she was out and doing fine about 2. *sigh*

I remember in February thinking, " this is going to be a year of change for me". I had no idea back then I would go through so much emotion in such a short time period. I realize I am alot of woman with a lot of emotion but it is time for it to slow down a bit. I don't think it has even come close to that. *sigh*

I sit here and think...the kids, mom, the house, the shop, the bills, the van, the yard, Corinna's wedding...the list goes on. I know I can handle it, I just have to stay positive. It isn't easy when you hit a brick wall every time you turn around. I am getting sore...I wonder will I heal from the beating?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Chaos in Life

Today my life changed. I know it did. I didn't cry hard, it comes in slow seeping spurts.
I am pinning my emotion. It is the logical side of me. It tells me it will work out, you can't change anything, life is like this. But for someone like me to pin up emotion can't be good. I fear it won't work out. Today, my mother was diagnosed with throat cancer.

It must be frustrating knowing you are sick and have no one really think much of it.
She said she had it a month ago and we didn't take her seriously. She found out today. My sister fell to the floor and has been hysterical ever since. She is carrying her second child and just got off bed rest weeks ago. I have heard mt dad is acting like everything is ok. He is using his logical side. I get that ability from him.

I fear I will fall apart and no one will pick up my pieces.
I am alone. Jonathan is at school. Life is life and it is what it is. He is there as much as he can be. He is coming June 11th for 5 days. I need him. I don't wish life away; it is too precious (as I am now truly discovering); I just wish it would be june the 11th for a month. Supporting Mom ,with no arms to hold me at night, shall be another strggle. Thank god for the net. ***Ahhh next issue....

I started to believe in god i don't.