tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47296888375352050562024-03-05T08:13:26.531-03:30Time of my LifeJust me trying to figure out what I am inside.Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-28573603844154745722012-10-10T06:17:00.003-02:302012-10-10T06:36:23.990-02:30Keeping My PromiseI have promised myself I shall write. I am sticking to it. I know it will take time to write anything of any substance. I feel brain dead. :~O<br />
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Im going to do something I have never done before. Open my blog to Facebook. Yes yup. EVERYONE will see it. *deep sigh* I can do this... I can do this... I can do this... *crosses fingers* please let me be brave enough for this. People in my town (myself included) do nothing but talk. Lets see how it goes. :) Maybe they will get to know the kinder, softer side of Tracy. The side that most of JS knew. Tracy's innards..lol<br />
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Here it goes.<br />
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I have been having issues sleeping past 4am for months. I am getting fed up with it. Saturday morning I woke at the usual 4 am smoke break and could not get back to sleep. Figures. So I did what the rest of the world would do and went online. I checked my emails and noticed one from a person I haven't spoke to in a long time. Maggie. Miss Maggie ( or as some of us know her...Life Lived) whom I adore and love. I became so excited to see it there and couldn't wait to read what she had to say. <br />
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She told me about a friend who had a heart attack and passed. She wanted to tell me she loved me. I felt like things are not right. As if she was warning me about an unknown sickness. As I read I could feel my eyes swelling up with tears. I thought about her past breast cancer. I became fearful inside. I do not want to lose her. I do not want to lose anyone else. These past two years have been utter hell. I want those feelings to end. My colours have been gray for along time. I must brighten them up.<br />
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She loves me... :) I love her also.<br />
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<br />Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-18481500711076829172012-10-03T23:36:00.000-02:302012-10-03T23:36:09.255-02:30Making Time for SleepThis is my first post in years. I spoke about writing again but waited and thought about where to blog. I ended up coming back here. I plan on changing my id name. I do not think Ladylove is fitting anymore.<br />
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I wanted to write so many times this week and now that I have this thing half ass fixed up; I am sleepy. Go figure.Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-83987812430930237232011-07-04T22:25:00.003-02:302012-10-03T23:42:31.657-02:30The Book of Awakening<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>"We are rare; not perfect" <div><br /></div><div>I am reading a book by Mark Nepo. This is a quote from it. The book actually belongs to my room mate, Rob, but we are sharing it night for night...lol. The format of the book is delightfully constructed day by day of the year. </div><div><br /></div><div>It works like a calendar; you wake each morning and read the date that you are at. I have skipped around the book. </div><div><br /></div><div>It is a self help book. Or i consider it that genre. The purpose behind the book for me is to make me connect with the real me again. She has been tucked away; deep inside for so long it has been difficult to find her. I am not saying I have found her yet; just that I know she is there; waiting. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have decided to write and post pictures again. I have missed it. I just have one small problem, I am using a notebook. I have no bloody idea how to get my canon shots on this bugger. Time to get a new laptop I guess. :( Until then I will try and use johnny's mac to save them to a jump drive. Yes, i know, i need external memory...</div><div><br /></div><div>I think I just need some memory...lol. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-90528009933082446242009-10-15T06:38:00.004-02:302009-10-15T06:58:35.793-02:30Dear God...Here I Go Again.<span style="color:#000000;">I have been reading a book called "The Shack".<br /><br />It deals with god's apparent absence in the world and one man's search for answers. This has brought me to consider my own "god" and my searching for "answers".<br /><br />I grew up catholic. I was surrounded by religion from birth. I attended RC schools. Graduated from one. Attended church on ALL holidays and every other Saturday evening when my parents would force my attendance. I recall being called to my parents coffee table after dinner to kneel down to say the rosary. All this seemed so fake for me. Empty.<br /><br />For me I felt closer to god when I was in nature. When I would smell a flower or feel the sun on my face. It is then I would speak to god. It was then I would share my problems and find some solace in how I did it.<br /><br />Then I got older and became more cynical. I do not know if these feelings appeared due to in part being educated. I find it hard to believe that what I am going through is part of some greater scheme.<br /><br />So here I am.<br />But it just don't feel right to me. I can't say that I do not believe in god because this would be a lie. I am not that bold. Myself, as confused as i am, could never determine the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">existence</span> of god. I can only try to make sense of it all.<br /><br />It is so hard. Again, another aspect of my life where I feel lost.<br /><br />I think I shall return the book to its owner.</span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-41183999133460076952009-09-18T07:04:00.002-02:302009-09-18T08:09:38.324-02:30Time away...It wasn't near enough time, yet, I was glad to be home with my boys. I have photos but I am waiting for them to come on a disk. I FORGOT MY CAMERA!!!!! I left it on the coffee table. *sigh* <br /><br />The trip to see Jonathan was enlightening. I got to see where he lives. His apartment is very nice. I can't see where one would put a kitchen table but it is an apt for students, not families so it wouldn't have that.<br /><br />I had a look at the little town he is living in. Nice and quaint. I liked it. The countryside is beautiful. It rained alittle on Sunday but overall I had a great day. By day's end both of us were exhasted. I enjoyed the time spent with him.<br /><br />The next day I spent looking around. I went to lunch by myself. I had swiss chalet. I picked Jonathan up and we took a well deserved nap.<br /><br />I can see how he could get lonely at times. But from what I seen I think he is doing just fine. He is a fighter deep inside. I am very proud of him and what he has accomplished so far.<br /><br />As for me, I left Tuesday morning. The flight home was a little rough. I wasn't feeling all that well when I arrived so I was glad to see my van parked outside. It was a sign of home.<br /><br />I hope he enjoyed my stay as well.<br /><br />I woke at 5 am this morning. I want a nap now and it is 8am...*sighs*. I think I was overtired lastnight as I woke about 15 times. I have a full week booked at work. That is a good and bad thing. Good for the sake of the money and bad because I tend to forget about me when I am flat out. It wears me down.<br /><br />Time to go. Work calls.Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-78435899908388218982009-08-27T19:56:00.003-02:302009-08-27T20:32:27.044-02:30What Happened to my Creativity?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmyj2mS882ymo1AokZ_rAGwfhVroNDLPaNl64O_IpGcTgoP7o7mm-JeCOmz60CSuU4AOW2pfFehQBoviTZMJjAuptn5AvzIGEISutvDBctqrnJV-VBXksR1fNMQM06KtK_659viPoOYI8/s1600-h/deep+red.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 266px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5374782507962869170" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmyj2mS882ymo1AokZ_rAGwfhVroNDLPaNl64O_IpGcTgoP7o7mm-JeCOmz60CSuU4AOW2pfFehQBoviTZMJjAuptn5AvzIGEISutvDBctqrnJV-VBXksR1fNMQM06KtK_659viPoOYI8/s400/deep+red.jpg" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">I seem to have lost it. I must have left it somewhere... </span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">I keep trying to remember when it mysteriously disappeared but I am unable to pin point it. I have considered a few times that it may have occurred. Last Sept. Hurricane Gustva (was it?). Or May, when I was doubting if I was loved or being played. Or a few weeks ago when I found out I was played (if even for a small moment). I am unable to pin point so I conclude that they all were contributing factors in turning my soul light gray. </span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">Describing my feelings in colors is an old habit of mine. Those who know me well know this about me. So, I asked about color. I asked a friend to give me color. They didn't. I am slowly realizing that I shall not depend on anyone. Just me. And truthfully, I can't even do that anymore. </span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">I decided to put my own color in my life and went out for a walk. I found what I had needed. Deep red. </span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">I am back. </span></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-82486759018285360352009-08-10T21:13:00.003-02:302012-10-10T06:19:00.425-02:30I wish I could come up great titles like Netmale..<span style="color: black;">...then I wouldn't come across as being so serious. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">My mother will be home next week. I am very excited and thankful; yet nervous to see her. I couldn't write about how I was feeling. MY feelings were pushed deep by me. They still are there. I hope I can hold it together when I see her. *<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">gulps</span>* I hate crying. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">Work is great. I am getting pretty <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">exhausted</span> though. I need a break soon. Even though to me it seems I am always taking a break. I know my days are full but yet they seem empty. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Confucked</span>, I know. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">I plan on calling Doug tomorrow. I miss chatting up the rebel. I also wonder how Tyler is doing...</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">I also need to pay attention to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Leslie</span>. I miss her greatly. She has wrote me a few times and yet I fail to write back...not because I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">don't</span> want to..I just forget by the time I have a chance to sit down. I miss and love you L.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">Cowboy is the only one i still talk to on a regular basis. And even we have lacked in that area. Life demands that we be elsewhere. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">Remember when I would get up at 5 am EVERY morning...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">hehehehe</span>. I know some of you do...cause i would race to post before we all went to work. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">LOL</span>. Well I think I shall try to get some morning posting in. The thing is I have NO photos. None. None that I would post...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">hehehe</span>. Take that whatever way you wanna...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">lol</span>. Perhaps I am just a perfectionist...????</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">Anyhow, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Nancy</span> Grace is on and I have to go scream and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">scowl</span> at the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">TV</span>...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">lol</span>.</span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-10534184093926451592009-08-03T00:24:00.002-02:302009-08-03T00:27:18.538-02:30I miss this place. <div><br /></div><div>I am back.</div><div><br /></div><div>It is time to start back at what i love...photography. </div><div><br /></div><div>I shall be shooting some red roses tomorrow. Hope i still have it..lol. talent i mean..hehehe. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-7740381304175024132009-05-30T07:33:00.003-02:302009-05-30T08:25:28.083-02:30Message to Myself.<span style="color:#000000;">Yesterday was a full day; as today shall be. I woke and rushed about getting the kids out the door. Then I had to pick up Jamie who is doing the plumbing. I dropped him off at my shop and I took off to the hospital to see my mom before her exploratory surgery. The first of god knows how many. As I walked the halls my mind took me back to March when I had surgery. I was very scared. Jonathan was with me and it did give me strength that day. I reached deep inside and thought about what he would say to me if he was here. I would have reached for his hand...<br /><br />Walking around the curtain I smiled. She was covered to her neck with a flannel sheet. I asked her how she was and if she was cold. She filled up and told me she was doing ok. The topic went to the room temp, I told her how cold I was and cracked a cpl jokes about me wanting the nurses to heat the blankets before they give them to me. Her and my sister burst out laughing and said I musta thought I was in a hotel!!!! lolol. I thought about Jonathan and how he wants to live in a hotel. LOL.<br /><br />We all sat there and didn't say much after that. We talked of how she would pay for living in St. John's. Idk. I have to help her. I will. They came to roll her to the OR and we went with her. She talked to the dr who put her to sleep and off she went. We went in the other direction...<br /><br />I took my sister to lunch and then went back to the shop. Only one was allowed to stay after she came out. I got the call that she was out and doing fine about 2. *sigh*<br /><br />I remember in February thinking, " this is going to be a year of change for me". I had no idea back then I would go through so much emotion in such a short time period. I realize I am alot of woman with a lot of emotion but it is time for it to slow down a bit. I don't think it has even come close to that. *sigh*<br /><br />I sit here and think...the kids, mom, the house, the shop, the bills, the van, the yard, Corinna's wedding...the list goes on. I know I can handle it, I just have to stay positive. It isn't easy when you hit a brick wall every time you turn around. I am getting sore...I wonder will I heal from the beating?</span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-48937036936960307912009-05-28T01:24:00.005-02:302009-05-28T01:47:39.639-02:30Chaos in Life<span style="color:#000000;"><strong>Today my life changed. I know it did. I didn't cry hard, it comes in slow seeping spurts</strong>.<br />I am pinning my emotion. It is the logical side of me. It tells me it will work out, you can't change anything, life is like this. But for someone like me to pin up emotion can't be good. I fear it won't work out. Today, my mother was diagnosed with throat cancer.<br /><br /><strong>It must be frustrating knowing you are sick and have no one really think much of it.</strong><br /><strong></strong>She said she had it a month ago and we didn't take her seriously. She found out today. My sister fell to the floor and has been hysterical ever since. She is carrying her second child and just got off bed rest weeks ago. I have heard mt dad is acting like everything is ok. He is using his logical side. I get that ability from him.<br /><br /><br /><strong>I fear I will fall apart and no one will pick up my pieces. </strong><br />I am alone. Jonathan is at school. Life is life and it is what it is. He is there as much as he can be. He is coming June 11th for 5 days. I need him. I don't wish life away; it is too precious (as I am now truly discovering); I just wish it would be june the 11th for a month. Supporting Mom ,with no arms to hold me at night, shall be another strggle. Thank god for the net. ***Ahhh next issue....<br /><br /><strong>I started to believe in god again...now i don't. </strong></span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-19113326618910828692009-05-17T12:15:00.003-02:302009-05-19T12:36:16.086-02:30The BeginningToday Jonathan starts school. I woke with excitement and pride. He has a certain way with young adults. Being as patient as he is his approach works. Starting school again takes courage at his age. 38. I know it isn't old...lol...but I am referring to working for so long and then just changing pace so quickly. Very spontaneous..<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">tehe</span>. I am a jumper when it comes to everyday life; not so sure when it comes to school. My cautious side shows. I KNOW he will do very well with his program. I look forward to the day I write about his graduation:)<br /><br />It is raining here in <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Newfie</span> land and I am soon to start working. It isn't that cold rain we normally get; its mild, sorta warm. I had a long day with work yesterday as I had two very large dogs thrown in the mix. It wiped me. I am considering taking some sort of vitamin.<br /><br />I will be in my shop soon. There isn't much work to be done there; or i am told that. I need to get the tub installed, hot water tank installed, and the rest is cosmetic. I have <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">chosen</span> a new name for my shop; <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Doggie</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Stylz</span>. After many a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">conversation </span>about this issue it is what it is..<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">lol</span>.<br /><br />The greenery and color is beginning to arrive here. This rainfall will only help it along. I have to work on my front lawn, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">lol</span>. It is horrible. I plan to use my weekends to do these extra things. I started a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">photoblog</span>. I will post the link here. I just have to log in to get it and I am a lazy woman right now...<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-error">lol</span>. I have been taking a few photos but have yet to work with them. I process..<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-error">lol</span>.<br /><br />Fake <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-error">Burnette</span>--- I loves ya misses *hugs* A nice talk would be good.Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-46521662488156733142009-05-16T08:41:00.003-02:302009-05-16T09:57:03.668-02:30Changing my Routine<span style="color:#000000;">I woke to the sun. I had forgot to close the curtians before I went to bed and the suns warmth held me at dawn. It was comforting and hollow in the same moment. I rolled over and forced my body to get up; walked over to the mirror and stared at myself. I burst into tears. Sobbed.<br /><br />Lately I feel that change is not always for the best. I know it is selfish but my heart can't help that. My mind tells me to be patient; it is for us; the best. My heart says you lost your bestfriend, lover, soulmate.<br /><br />My life has changed again. I suddenly feel empty. Like part of me is missing, void. It is ironic really. It is like god is teasing me. I can see it now. He sits and watches as I climb and stumble, little chuckles at my expense. All the while I continue to entertain. Oh well. I am doing my best.<br /><br />I am opening a shop outside of the house. It was sorta pushed on me at first. I like the idea now. I know it is going to be a handful because I have the kids to take with me but I know the business very well. I will be ok.<br /><br />The space I am renting is across from the vet and skateboard park. It is just the perfect size and I knew this when I first seen it. I want it to be open and spacious. It makes it easier to keep clean. It will all work out in the end, I hope.<br /><br />The last few days the boys have been #1. They know I am sad so I am getting lots of those "aweeeee mom" hugs. Plus, they are both playing outside ALOT. I still have thier wii put away and it seems to be working; they are getting out. Thursday evening ALL the kids played spotlight till 10:00 and I let them stay out also. Kids were everywhere, lolol. It was good for them.<br /><br />I have decided to open a photoblog at wordpress. Cowboy talked me...NO, demanded...lol, yip, that I make it. I showed him some photos that I took when Jonathan took us to Bottle cove and Rocky Harbour;) That was it...It was demanded that I create the blog. Which I will do when I finish here. It will help get me back to me. I enjoy sharing my heart through photography. I have been thinking about my photography and how I have slacked off it. It used to be one of the only times I got to be away from everything and forget. Forget the world existed. Well it didn't. Only my world existed. Right there in the moment. I shall look for that again. So the blog will help. Like this one does.</span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-75700808843304697722009-03-23T15:55:00.004-02:302009-03-23T16:56:59.001-02:30Insecurities...<span style="color:#000000;">...we all have them. Even me. No wait, especially me..<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">lol</span>. I am one of the most confident women I know *grins* , yet at times I let those <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">lil</span> fears creep deep inside which play and taunt with my emotions. I usually swallow those feelings and move on. It becomes almost mechanical. Sometimes I alienate my feelings from myself. *interesting thought*<br /><br />I am definitely not alone. Jonathan also has them. *smiles softly* I know we are in the beginning stages of our life and I can be quite the handful when it comes to my emotions. *grins* So can the kids. He handles it well for a man who do not share his emotions with many. I am grateful he chooses to do so with us.<br /><br />This past Saturday night we had a very important discussion. It cleared <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">alot</span> of things up. I know where we both stand. Side by side. I love that. Knowing. It can become problematic when a person do not think they are important in someones life. Thoughts race and feelings grow...sometimes not the clearest feelings. It feels good having my place in his life clear to me. Knowing I am the woman he wants to spend his life with makes my heart smile. I LOVE when that happens.<br /><br />Shane and Griffin think <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">alot</span> of him as well. He wonders if they have things in common. I do not. *smiles* I like that they are all different in their own ways. I do know one thing they have in common....me. They all love me. I plan to be the glue that keeps "us" together. As for baseball, basketball, hockey and all those guy things...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">hehe</span>, that will come. Shane is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">alot</span> like him now...he holds an interest in those type of things. Griffin is a little more like his momma , on the wild side, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">sooo</span> he likes snowboarding and motorcycles...etc etc. But I think being diverse is EXTREMELY important so I will promote those <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">activites</span> as he gets older. Life shall be good for us. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">AHHH</span> I just raised my head to see Shane looking through a book Jonathan brought here about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">ww</span>2 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">hehehe</span> so I guess they have more in common than we realize. *grins*<br /><br />On another note, I have been reading, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Maggs</span>. Many times I cannot comment as I am at a loss for words. I think it comes from our relationship being "me depending on her" for support. I feel so inexperienced in life. I have made so many wrong decisions when it comes to love. I fear giving the wrong advice. I am worried about you. Your writing reflects what you feel inside. I know you have your children...but they are not your partner. They can fill a void but do not fill "his" void. Part of your soul feels empty and I feel that deep in me. Time heals wounds somewhat but we are always left wondering "what if". Your winter is setting in and the day grows dim faster but your life is not dim. Those times you are sitting on the floor unable to move...paralyzed, think of your favorite flower or song. Get up and paint your feelings. Try a new food. ((( I am trying to come up with ideas to help you smile))) Me, I just get <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">angry</span> . I find the anger helps me move on...but I know you are a different type of woman...*sigh* I love you maggs and it hurts to know you are hurting. Will you ever be the same...no. When Tony left he took part of the old you with him. But with that said you will evole to be a stronger you. Change is constantly occuring without it we would have chaos. I know you feel your life is in chaos now but it will settle. I just don't know when. I wish I could wave my pixie heart and make all your hurt leave. Know you ARE loved. *hugs*<br /><br />I am having my surgery this Wednesday. It has been moved up a week. I am still going to St. John's with Jonathan on Thursday. I hope I don't have any problems. Still need to get the bloodwork done...*sigh* But I plan to get lots of photos...so that will make me happy.<br /><br />Hope all of you are having a good week. And Burst...man I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE that camera. hehehe. You are really a great photographer...oneday we will take photos together.</span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-13993492734005569762009-03-19T06:42:00.003-02:302009-03-19T07:16:16.215-02:30LOL I did it to myself again...<span style="color:#000000;">I have been writing in the early hours. I like doing that. It is my alone time. For a very long time it was the time of the day when I used to drink coffee with Cowboy, stare at Jamie and wish I was somewhere else in the world. Then it became my Johnny <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">lovin</span> time. That is also changing. Now it is my time. I have begun the process of refocusing myself again.<br /><br />I talked to Cowboy yesterday (i try to everyday) about how I act when I get scared; I withdraw. I did it to him and now I fear doing it again. He told me it don't feel very good when I do that. It hurts. I never tried to do that. I think it is a method self protection that I evolved when Jim was in my life. I am fighting it like no man biz right now. Sorry Cowboy, you mean <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">alot</span> to me and I would never want to hurt you. *<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">BHK</span>*<br /><br />Jonathan got into school. I am very excited for him. It is a great opportunity for him. He will be a very good high school teacher. I wish him all the best in his endeavors. I will support him in anyway I can. He is a great man and deserves this. This Saturday we have some kind of party to go to. It has been 10 years since the 1999 Canada Games and it is a reunion of some kind. I shall go to see what it is all about. *raises eyebrow*. Next week we go to Sin John's (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">hehehe</span>) we are leaving on Thursday and wont be back till Sunday. I am looking forward to it. I hope all goes well for us. I plan to take my laptop so I wont lose contact with anyone. OF COURSE I AM TAKING MY CAMERA. I hope Jon do not mind stopping so often for photos but he will have to with me in...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">lol</span>.<br /><br />Mary <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">anne</span> is going to Sin John's this weekend. I now know that I will spend a bit of time there this summer. It shall be a girlfriend summer. It could get very interesting. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">lol</span>. I look forward to it. Our drinks in Big Cook's, driving all over <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">newfie</span> land with her, camping, swimming, hiking, fishing (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ok</span> she <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">dont</span> fish to much but sits and drinks wine while i do..<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">lol</span>). I also have sissy wedding in August. I got to get on the ball with that. *grins*<br /><br />I have a very busy day today. Not so much with clients but my life. I have to see Dr. Coffey (Dashers dad) about my leg. I have to go to the dump...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">lol</span>. yip the stinky dump. I still have the issue of tossing out my garbage on the proper day...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">LOL</span>. I just try to drive it over every so often. I will take my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">camera</span>. I hope to see the big <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">shithawks</span> and the family of eagles that live there. They are magnificent. I need to do my hair. I need the back cut. Mom wants me to regrow it. Cowboy said something once about my haircut..." I did it in response to Jamie" I think he is right. I tried to take my softness away. It didnt work as well as planned...my heart is still soft. I hide a small part of myself deep inside in hopes not to have it hurt. The lil girl in me I assume...<br /><br />Holy cow...it is daylight out now. I have to go get my day started. I need to go get that stupid bloodwork done over...I am having the surgery on the 31st. I am happy about that. It is LONG over due. Then off to the dumppity dump!!!! lolol.<br /><br />Hope you all enjoy your day! *kisses*</span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-7543440948073861502009-03-17T06:26:00.004-02:302009-03-17T07:14:06.925-02:30Catching up...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTcUcJzr3pCjSB0HsNvn_GcIS8bZIGUR0nDcy1jVs5_jU0vHEHR-b1ooerWULcw2fEXX9RWOV4SFVS0Y8CagktvZVp3w7V29QP62Oa1U6qOFSWHiwpmaQQLEGc0eyLUbArVZM5iWUi31c/s1600-h/cook's+brook.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314083616358702786" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 300px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTcUcJzr3pCjSB0HsNvn_GcIS8bZIGUR0nDcy1jVs5_jU0vHEHR-b1ooerWULcw2fEXX9RWOV4SFVS0Y8CagktvZVp3w7V29QP62Oa1U6qOFSWHiwpmaQQLEGc0eyLUbArVZM5iWUi31c/s400/cook's+brook.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">I have been awake for hours. My right arm is paining. I think trying to keep up with the fire is going to hurt me in the long run. I have no heat in my house...not really. Jamie has managed to remove most of the heating system here over the last few years and had installed a wood stove. I am not as young as I used to be so I find it hard to keep the fire going. The wood stove is in the basement, where the shop is so I usually work in what feels like the artic. I need to go start the fire soon...sigh. Dayum wood stove. I know it is hurting me today. Fuck I hate pain. Any kind of pain. Physical or emontional. I guess that do not make me special...lol...we all hate pain. Those kinds anyway... </span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">Burst asked me last night what photos have I been taking. Not many. I actaully think i am in order for some flowers and some spring...it has to come soon or I am in BIG trouble. Those who know me well know how I get every winter. DEPRESSED!!!!! Well I feel it washing over me today and no matter what I do I can't shake the dayum sadness. </span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">Depression....not me. Well, normally not me. Leaving Jamie was the beginning to making some life changes for myself. I am drug free. I am normally happy on a daily basis. But I have a few issues I am trying my best in dealing with and I feel I am lacking...</span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">ISSUE 1--The kids. They give me a hard time. Last night I just wanted to ball my eyes out with all the hurt and anger I was feeling. I didn't. I swallowed it and I am trying to move on...new day, right? </span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">Shane is not so much my problem. He is 12 and normally is easier to deal with. He has to learn how NOT to fight with his younger brother. It is added stress. I can't complain to much about him. All he needs to do is his books and help me clean a bit....</span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;">Griffin is a diffierent ball game. He is only 9. Single digits still and I am becoming very fustrated with how to get him to focus. The thing being...I am becoming to hard on him. For the sake of my peace I am riding his ass like a cowboy. It isn't fair as I am the one who let him become the way he is. He won't do homework without a fight. When he do attempt it he works at it half ass. He is smart mouth...he thinks he is a man and has the right to speak back to me as such. AND when I try to punish him for his actions he grins at me or kicks up a fight. He is exhasting me. Literally making me exhasted. I have to see his teacher this week and I am scared to death I will lose it. See...even though I complain about this issues...he is still my child...my baby, and when I see him get slighted or see someone treating him a certain way...it hurts me and I go on the defensive. Soooo i am assuming I will have a fight on my hands. *sighs* I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and hope for the best. But lately...he hasn't been getting an easy time from me. I don't plan on slacking either but I do plan on changing how he is treated. I miss just talking to him... I have to figure something out or I will go mad. </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;">ISSUE 2---work. It was easy when jamie was here to put my entire being into it. Lately i have slacked at making appointments. I am planning on changing that. </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;">I need to get my life refocused. I seem to be in limbo...</span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;">I think part of all this sadness is that I am PMS'ing. When this time of the month comes I feel the entire world is selfish and hates me...I am aware of it but have a very hard time controling these feelings. IDK... </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;">I have to say...Alaskan warrior txted me threw the night and i just seen it..hehehe made me smile...thanks William. </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;">Ohh about the photo...it is an old one that I took a few years ago. It is cold cooks brook. It reflects how I feel today. Unloved and cold. *sigh* It will pass....</span> </div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-22909275113457372542009-03-11T05:04:00.003-02:302009-03-11T05:10:37.140-02:30AbigailI am not to sure of the clarity of the photo here. I took this the day Abigail was born. I wanted her to know what it was like the day she was born <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ALLLLL</span> around the world. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Especially</span> in a place belong to someone who loved her Grandma so dearly. Congrats <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Maggs</span> on your new baby <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">granddaughter</span>. This is the Bay of Islands...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPqNw5TF_XpiHmWYstsmbn1JlvAQky0oxuvqZkEyX13tdm_BAOETDikYD_OjcK5Vp9Fp4vCpExLbmpOtMAUL6WUQ4Lktki8zSCLxLaV_6LWWLEvx2sUOVcpTsgnvo0WaMrhul7N0Y3ZyE/s1600-h/n507447987_1260893_9758.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311831170832465570" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 268px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPqNw5TF_XpiHmWYstsmbn1JlvAQky0oxuvqZkEyX13tdm_BAOETDikYD_OjcK5Vp9Fp4vCpExLbmpOtMAUL6WUQ4Lktki8zSCLxLaV_6LWWLEvx2sUOVcpTsgnvo0WaMrhul7N0Y3ZyE/s400/n507447987_1260893_9758.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-50608374918556677272009-03-09T12:22:00.005-02:302009-03-09T12:50:29.221-02:30Excelling Don't Always Do the Heart Good.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfUcqj7crEC-npaDhFDgjl_EKMRhiEq4YSh3DIrEg9rQc7v3VoTBYqK1cUpramvQidG5yZo_29Jf1iCxMY0huUSw-PPFzNDuNnzLYHhKP-1ecyHfswLq3N56i9j4crB2cRGPbr-qdGbtQ/s1600-h/shanebb.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5311205166279903506" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 339px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfUcqj7crEC-npaDhFDgjl_EKMRhiEq4YSh3DIrEg9rQc7v3VoTBYqK1cUpramvQidG5yZo_29Jf1iCxMY0huUSw-PPFzNDuNnzLYHhKP-1ecyHfswLq3N56i9j4crB2cRGPbr-qdGbtQ/s400/shanebb.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><br /><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">This past weekend was a busy one for me. I worked, plus Shane's basketball team was in the Provincial playoffs. They did well until they had to play a team we all call CC. They have never beaten CC. I don't understand much about how the crossover system works or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">wtf</span> ever it is called but they had gotten down to playing CC for the semi finals. They lost. The thing that impressed me was their score is usually very wide. Like 30 points diff...not this time. There was only a 12 point diff. I thought the boys played very well. They worked hard at beating these guys (CC) and didn't...but I assumed at games end they would all feel wonderful about the great try they gave. All the faces seemed very happy, except for one, Shane's.</span></div><br /><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">Although he got his first basket of the year, it made no difference. NONE AT ALL. If anything i wish he had not made the basket. When the basket went in I was so proud of him and still am. But my mind is not a child's anymore. And my childhood is not Shane's. I was well liked by allot of kids; had tons of confidence. Not Shane. He has no confidence at all. I see it. I help create this. I suck. I let things go on or didn't let them go on over the years and it has affected how he looks at life...his life. </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;">After the game he came out of the locker room with a very sad face. He was sad that they lost. I said, "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">YESSSSSS</span> but YOU GOT A BASKET!!!!!!" His reply was, " So what, a foul basket and no one even touched me" . *sigh* I didn't notice. I know that all of us parents got pretty excited for him but he was right. Not one member of his team even gave him a high five. I never thought of it. I am so independent that something like that would not have even bothered me. But it bothered Shane and still is. I didn't know what to say to him about it all. He has been told he is not very sportsman like. A few times after some games where his teammates were rough housed he refused to congratulate the other team. His reason for this was..."# 23 hit Cory in the face or # 11 pushed Brady" The sad fact is that Shane is only acting this way because he wants the boys to like him and be his friend but what he fails to realize is that they would not stand up for him this way. He wants to be accepted. Being a girl and one who always follows her heart with absolute passion I have not experienced these feelings to the degree Shane is. I always fit in. It is my nature. But now I feel it. I feel his pain and it isn't good. I want to protect him from those feelings. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Idk</span> how to. Kids can be cruel without even knowing they are doing so. </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span> </div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span> </div><div><span style="color:#000000;">I guess I should just be grateful he is no longer being beat up after school...*sigh* </span></div><br /><br /><div></div></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-11056060217554197762009-03-08T14:53:00.004-02:302009-03-08T15:04:13.279-02:30Lonely Larry<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLP_Uxk8IJ4eszp8S3d2BdYrJ8xyoxtJP4hnz18xEddW8QLhKqEpXzVvj0i_QAw9wEyOB1bBfE5nPpfap0hodB_BcC8uOU2GNNID-dxLHo0WlAywzbs8me419_93Zfvwx4IQ3BvJ7WpM0/s1600-h/lonely+larry.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310869729715318658" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 203px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLP_Uxk8IJ4eszp8S3d2BdYrJ8xyoxtJP4hnz18xEddW8QLhKqEpXzVvj0i_QAw9wEyOB1bBfE5nPpfap0hodB_BcC8uOU2GNNID-dxLHo0WlAywzbs8me419_93Zfvwx4IQ3BvJ7WpM0/s400/lonely+larry.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">Friday evening the kids went with my Mom and Dad. After Jonathan and I dropped them off we decided to go to DQ for a bite to eat. On the way into the mall I stopped for a smoke and Jonathan went ahead to read the community bulletin board. I joined him shortly afterwards. I seen this piece of paper tacked up and took a closer look. LOL....I see that Larry is very lonely. I got Jonathan to take a pic with his Blackberry as I didnt have the camera with us. I figured I would help him out by posting his ad here.. LOLOLOL. </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span> </div><div><span style="color:#000000;">The ad says<strong>..." My name is Larry and looking for a nice woman and a permented girlfriend and undrunken and unsmoker must be in here early 50's or early 40's My number is 634-4032 please call me at anytime."</strong> </span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span> </div><div><span style="color:#000000;">Now ladies, I know his grammer and spelling leave alot to be desired..lol and you ladies who are in your late 40's have no chance...LMFAO, but I think Larry boy here is a real winner. hehehhee... If I wasn't involved I just may have called myself...tehe. I am fighting the urge right now as I type. NOT!!!!!! </span></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-33436507494296881222009-03-04T14:42:00.003-03:302009-03-04T14:44:52.383-03:30HidingI have spent the last few months hiding. I have no idea why. I wrote a lil bit...but my heart was not in it. Now part of my heart is hurting for Maggs and i have decided to come back. I miss you all to much to stay away forever...I am going to js now to get my dayum name back...hehe. I know I owe this blog a photo for today...i will get at it laters...for now...JS. Someone has to tell me how to add to the blog roll...my mind is numb...I am trying to get it to come back to life.Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-71583130380210655482009-03-03T23:02:00.003-03:302009-03-03T23:57:50.417-03:30<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRN2uHIQMrTDyrDTu1ZbgnC1AJKjwq5EleCJH9pNnmbMm9zJdxD8fNIVZ5DJQSJkdtrDqYfboNHL_bXtjOKaT7VCcL3odM4Ck_jhBPNuU6oZyKUegk8FOQ0pp_h1vw44Kg_NNwMH3L4RI/s1600-h/IMG_4451a.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309169090322052402" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 363px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRN2uHIQMrTDyrDTu1ZbgnC1AJKjwq5EleCJH9pNnmbMm9zJdxD8fNIVZ5DJQSJkdtrDqYfboNHL_bXtjOKaT7VCcL3odM4Ck_jhBPNuU6oZyKUegk8FOQ0pp_h1vw44Kg_NNwMH3L4RI/s400/IMG_4451a.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I need to write. I have been gone so long from you all that I have forgotten how to communicate in this medium. My life has consisted of facebook and the odd email. Knowing my friends are hurting and are so far from me ...hurts moi. I wish for one day we could all be together to laugh, cry, get angry, fustrated...let our emotions flow and ebb into each others...as we do here. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>I wonder why I have closed down so much of myself since the great js crash...i still have no answer for it. I believe it is the fact that I could hide there...here i dont feel that yet. I dont feel the privacy I felt when on js. I know one thing for sure...in doing so i have somehow closed out those who matter. I NEED to change that. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>I am going to try to make a promise to myself...take one photo a day and write a poem to go with it. I may have to force myself to post but i will. It is hard not taking photos daily...I think much of my stress was relieved from those moments with the camera...I shall make Jonathan take me for a drive tomorrow to get some photos....out the bay. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I miss you all....very much. *kiss* I hate that it is what it is.......</div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-70799919710451026242009-02-26T09:45:00.002-03:302009-02-26T09:49:58.826-03:30Kisses and Smiles for the Camera<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX-kmeJ_Ng14KllFgabuOchoyOpmZbv5fovqzKXfyF_vfE9d86hoUlaSLYDet1Y9LJugMvoJxUejb9KmfLN2Bw9A4vMLjEf9DJmnFKr2WEFYkEe0j2CSxtm2_pFag_pI7woJ2iXxdXxqo/s1600-h/IMG_4437.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5307095195107744930" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 337px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX-kmeJ_Ng14KllFgabuOchoyOpmZbv5fovqzKXfyF_vfE9d86hoUlaSLYDet1Y9LJugMvoJxUejb9KmfLN2Bw9A4vMLjEf9DJmnFKr2WEFYkEe0j2CSxtm2_pFag_pI7woJ2iXxdXxqo/s400/IMG_4437.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Jonathans sister wants to see my face...lol. Maybe i will get some this weekend. Always the photographer and never the model...</div><br /><div></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-91155299097164690432009-02-20T23:27:00.002-03:302009-02-21T00:26:49.018-03:30Fresh Starts...dead ends.<span style="font-family:arial;color:#000000;">I haven't written in a long time. I don't know me anymore so it starts to become complicated when I try to gather my thoughts. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">I have made Jamie move out. I am glad that it has happened cause all we seemed to do is fight. I am a complicated person. *shakes head at self* . I am made to be alone. *takes big gulp*. I know it. No matter what I do...I feel lonely inside. I know why and there is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">sfa</span> that I can do. Let life works itself out i suppose. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">I put <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">jake</span> down today. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. It killed me to do it. I really needed some caring arms..words...reassurances...idk. But I really never got any of it. In saying that... it was like a smack in the mouth...I trust to easily...I need to change it. I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">dont</span> know how to. I wish i could. I am sick of being the one everyone else comes to or depends on...why can't I find that. Why can't more people be like me? I sit here and wait for a friend to be there for me...there is no one. Really....I see it and feel it but for some reason I ignore it. Silly girl ideas i assume...I shall soon withdraw again. I feel it starting up again. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">My head is spinning. I feel like I am standing in the middle of the ocean in a w<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">hirlpool</span>. I can't swim strong enough to keep myself afloat. Being a single mom again sorta sucks... i forgot how lonely it is. Those nights like tonight when all I want is a warm pair of arms ...Somehow feeling that way also makes me feel selfish...I wish i had a sleeping pill.. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">"Tracy, you are not like the rest of those <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">ppl</span> there, you are special" I wanted to believe those words...i did. But no matter what I am fooling myself and i know it. I am smart...hell yes..that is old news. Cocky, pretty, assertive...sure. But...special...no...I am not special. I am hurting tonight...pretty fucking bad. I waited all day for you. Who...i have no fucking idea. Just a friend to be there for me...i <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">dont</span> got any. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Ok</span> i got tons of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">ppl</span> i know...but...no real friends. I called <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">jen</span> 730 this morning and cried into her answering machine...she called me back this evening. I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">asked</span> her...why am i like this? Tell me...you know me best...she had no answer except "its your way <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">tracy</span>, you were your heart on your sleeve" . i do. I am washing that shirt. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">I think of years down the road. Me and the boys...how it will be. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Idk</span>...will they understand me. I think about Jim <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">allot</span> lately. I have been told he has been asking for my number for a few years and because the ones he is asking <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">don't</span> want to betray me they have tried to avoid it. Mary <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">anne</span> said he is off the drugs. That makes me feel very good. I wonder if he thinks about me. If he would be proud of who I am today. It has been 6 years (may 1st) since I have seen him. I remember that day by the store. He walked up to my car and spoke with us...his ex and his two sons. I was so young then. He seemed so old. I hated him that day. I gave him no reaction. I wish I had that moment back...I would sit and talk civil to him. I used to belittle him. He used to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">intimidate</span> me. Life inst suppose to be like that... </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Anyhooooooo, I have been taking lots of pics but I cant post one tonight cause the last few are of the kids , jake and I. I dont want to go look at them yet...maybe tomorrow. I hope i am making the right decisions this time around. I am one of those ppl who if they have two roads...i take the one less travelled. I always have to make it hard on myself. LOL. Yeh I suck. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">I am a freak of nature...I look for that person who is like me. They dont have to be JUST like me..that would be boring...but...why do I always feel alone inside. What is my life lacking? I look at certains parts of my body as I type this....my finger tips...my wrists....I am a freak. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">I had a semi fight with a friend. An old friend who is in love with me. Has loved me for 12 years. I could call him right now and he would fly me and the boys to him. Knowing this hurts. I love him but not like he loves me. He is fat. That is a big problem for me. He also is as god dayum cocky as I am so we tend to get sarcastic with each other. I miss him...i miss being special to him. He is moving to vancover island...even further away. I tried to sorta tell him he could come live with me. he wrote me in private and said he knows I am here for him and he didnt mean to hurt my feelings. He said he had nobody here at home. Suggested I travel and see the world oneday. That was his dig at me for staying here when he begged me to leave. *sigh* oh glennie...what am i doing...I am one fucked up woman..lol. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">I think I need a night out to the bar with Mary anne. We need to get out and socialize. She wants a movie, wine and jammie night...I want to feel free. I want to dance. i want to dance like no one is watching....(oh i do that anyhow...lol) but ...well going out for me ends up not being about the girls..it becomes a dayum circus...men...pffftttt. I shall see after work tomorrow. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Arial;">Good night...</span>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-72677924469523428642009-01-31T11:27:00.004-03:302009-02-12T18:03:15.167-03:30Bay of Islands<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiakUTh3tzMp3M1yiBWUMwyCxmK1Up08XahY_OhPchhgCuYy2w9QdOBg5Z6vWVrniYOkXDLiLZzkyBbICV9EIv0u0anOdCfJj8b_XGWsUwtRo1h2kptKIIvdwBG4ZLPSlyQgFe7-GYMJ0w/s1600-h/n507447987_1185686_5126.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5297473827618119666" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 268px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiakUTh3tzMp3M1yiBWUMwyCxmK1Up08XahY_OhPchhgCuYy2w9QdOBg5Z6vWVrniYOkXDLiLZzkyBbICV9EIv0u0anOdCfJj8b_XGWsUwtRo1h2kptKIIvdwBG4ZLPSlyQgFe7-GYMJ0w/s400/n507447987_1185686_5126.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">I have not worked on my html codes in two nights. I know I need to change the photo I am using. I just have to find the right one. Today is not the day for it. :)</span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="color:#000000;">This is my home. The cove of lights is Corner Brook. </span></div><br /><p></p><p></p>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-27330776424882592002009-01-27T22:07:00.008-03:302009-01-28T09:43:45.529-03:30Auntie, I Had A Story Dream.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ5yXq0aXg71j7hI-N6jyQYsSJJ4ce182djQtx1OznOWyHxNEpjULsJbv1fuveqNAZ9QIIP9Tlq_6kSThNIpv7MVK_SXN4PZ3qNbq8CszBD_BfPO1FiOGz03lMeLgyqO27WmAwyoKmRPs/s1600-h/IMG_3534.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5296155170496528722" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ5yXq0aXg71j7hI-N6jyQYsSJJ4ce182djQtx1OznOWyHxNEpjULsJbv1fuveqNAZ9QIIP9Tlq_6kSThNIpv7MVK_SXN4PZ3qNbq8CszBD_BfPO1FiOGz03lMeLgyqO27WmAwyoKmRPs/s400/IMG_3534.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="color:#cc0000;">The phone rings. I answer, "hello"? I hear a small voice coming from the "Hi Auntie". My sweet baby nephew Blake is on the other end. "I had a story dream". This was the first time I had ever heard of a story dream. "Oh really, buddy, tell me about it". he went on, "I was in the wind. It was a very hard wind. Auntie, you had my hand and was holding me tight. But you couldn't hold on cause the wind was so hard. You let Blakie go." Ohhhhhhh my heart. He had a nightmare. *sigh* I spoke softly, "Blakie blue eyes, your story dream is just that, a dream. Auntie got storng hands she would never let you go." I hear a giggle on the line. Then silence. He has hung up. hehehhee He does that. He is a man of few words... </span></div>Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4729688837535205056.post-21196252835831422562009-01-27T16:01:00.002-03:302009-01-27T16:03:19.789-03:30Rub-a-Dub-DubI am constantly evoling. Again, I am at this dang page..lol. Ok, well at least I have one thing done today with this blog. I have to go set the deminson of the photo again now. Later maybe. Hotdog time now. mmmmmm hungry mamma.Ladylovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07181822242354649446noreply@blogger.com