LOL I did it to myself again...

I have been writing in the early hours. I like doing that. It is my alone time. For a very long time it was the time of the day when I used to drink coffee with Cowboy, stare at Jamie and wish I was somewhere else in the world. Then it became my Johnny lovin time. That is also changing. Now it is my time. I have begun the process of refocusing myself again.

I talked to Cowboy yesterday (i try to everyday) about how I act when I get scared; I withdraw. I did it to him and now I fear doing it again. He told me it don't feel very good when I do that. It hurts. I never tried to do that. I think it is a method self protection that I evolved when Jim was in my life. I am fighting it like no man biz right now. Sorry Cowboy, you mean alot to me and I would never want to hurt you. *BHK*

Jonathan got into school. I am very excited for him. It is a great opportunity for him. He will be a very good high school teacher. I wish him all the best in his endeavors. I will support him in anyway I can. He is a great man and deserves this. This Saturday we have some kind of party to go to. It has been 10 years since the 1999 Canada Games and it is a reunion of some kind. I shall go to see what it is all about. *raises eyebrow*. Next week we go to Sin John's (hehehe) we are leaving on Thursday and wont be back till Sunday. I am looking forward to it. I hope all goes well for us. I plan to take my laptop so I wont lose contact with anyone. OF COURSE I AM TAKING MY CAMERA. I hope Jon do not mind stopping so often for photos but he will have to with me in...lol.

Mary anne is going to Sin John's this weekend. I now know that I will spend a bit of time there this summer. It shall be a girlfriend summer. It could get very interesting. lol. I look forward to it. Our drinks in Big Cook's, driving all over newfie land with her, camping, swimming, hiking, fishing (ok she dont fish to much but sits and drinks wine while i do..lol). I also have sissy wedding in August. I got to get on the ball with that. *grins*

I have a very busy day today. Not so much with clients but my life. I have to see Dr. Coffey (Dashers dad) about my leg. I have to go to the dump...lol. yip the stinky dump. I still have the issue of tossing out my garbage on the proper day...LOL. I just try to drive it over every so often. I will take my camera. I hope to see the big shithawks and the family of eagles that live there. They are magnificent. I need to do my hair. I need the back cut. Mom wants me to regrow it. Cowboy said something once about my haircut..." I did it in response to Jamie" I think he is right. I tried to take my softness away. It didnt work as well as planned...my heart is still soft. I hide a small part of myself deep inside in hopes not to have it hurt. The lil girl in me I assume...

Holy cow...it is daylight out now. I have to go get my day started. I need to go get that stupid bloodwork done over...I am having the surgery on the 31st. I am happy about that. It is LONG over due. Then off to the dumppity dump!!!! lolol.

Hope you all enjoy your day! *kisses*

Catching up...

I have been awake for hours. My right arm is paining. I think trying to keep up with the fire is going to hurt me in the long run. I have no heat in my house...not really. Jamie has managed to remove most of the heating system here over the last few years and had installed a wood stove. I am not as young as I used to be so I find it hard to keep the fire going. The wood stove is in the basement, where the shop is so I usually work in what feels like the artic. I need to go start the fire soon...sigh. Dayum wood stove. I know it is hurting me today. Fuck I hate pain. Any kind of pain. Physical or emontional. I guess that do not make me special...lol...we all hate pain. Those kinds anyway...

Burst asked me last night what photos have I been taking. Not many. I actaully think i am in order for some flowers and some spring...it has to come soon or I am in BIG trouble. Those who know me well know how I get every winter. DEPRESSED!!!!! Well I feel it washing over me today and no matter what I do I can't shake the dayum sadness.

Depression....not me. Well, normally not me. Leaving Jamie was the beginning to making some life changes for myself. I am drug free. I am normally happy on a daily basis. But I have a few issues I am trying my best in dealing with and I feel I am lacking...

ISSUE 1--The kids. They give me a hard time. Last night I just wanted to ball my eyes out with all the hurt and anger I was feeling. I didn't. I swallowed it and I am trying to move on...new day, right?

Shane is not so much my problem. He is 12 and normally is easier to deal with. He has to learn how NOT to fight with his younger brother. It is added stress. I can't complain to much about him. All he needs to do is his books and help me clean a bit....

Griffin is a diffierent ball game. He is only 9. Single digits still and I am becoming very fustrated with how to get him to focus. The thing being...I am becoming to hard on him. For the sake of my peace I am riding his ass like a cowboy. It isn't fair as I am the one who let him become the way he is. He won't do homework without a fight. When he do attempt it he works at it half ass. He is smart mouth...he thinks he is a man and has the right to speak back to me as such. AND when I try to punish him for his actions he grins at me or kicks up a fight. He is exhasting me. Literally making me exhasted. I have to see his teacher this week and I am scared to death I will lose it. See...even though I complain about this issues...he is still my child...my baby, and when I see him get slighted or see someone treating him a certain way...it hurts me and I go on the defensive. Soooo i am assuming I will have a fight on my hands. *sighs* I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and hope for the best. But lately...he hasn't been getting an easy time from me. I don't plan on slacking either but I do plan on changing how he is treated. I miss just talking to him... I have to figure something out or I will go mad.

ISSUE 2---work. It was easy when jamie was here to put my entire being into it. Lately i have slacked at making appointments. I am planning on changing that.

I need to get my life refocused. I seem to be in limbo...

I think part of all this sadness is that I am PMS'ing. When this time of the month comes I feel the entire world is selfish and hates me...I am aware of it but have a very hard time controling these feelings. IDK...

I have to say...Alaskan warrior txted me threw the night and i just seen it..hehehe made me smile...thanks William.

Ohh about the photo...it is an old one that I took a few years ago. It is cold cooks brook. It reflects how I feel today. Unloved and cold. *sigh* It will pass....