Monday, March 23, 2009


...we all have them. Even me. No wait, especially I am one of the most confident women I know *grins* , yet at times I let those lil fears creep deep inside which play and taunt with my emotions. I usually swallow those feelings and move on. It becomes almost mechanical. Sometimes I alienate my feelings from myself. *interesting thought*

I am definitely not alone. Jonathan also has them. *smiles softly* I know we are in the beginning stages of our life and I can be quite the handful when it comes to my emotions. *grins* So can the kids. He handles it well for a man who do not share his emotions with many. I am grateful he chooses to do so with us.

This past Saturday night we had a very important discussion. It cleared alot of things up. I know where we both stand. Side by side. I love that. Knowing. It can become problematic when a person do not think they are important in someones life. Thoughts race and feelings grow...sometimes not the clearest feelings. It feels good having my place in his life clear to me. Knowing I am the woman he wants to spend his life with makes my heart smile. I LOVE when that happens.

Shane and Griffin think alot of him as well. He wonders if they have things in common. I do not. *smiles* I like that they are all different in their own ways. I do know one thing they have in They all love me. I plan to be the glue that keeps "us" together. As for baseball, basketball, hockey and all those guy things...hehe, that will come. Shane is alot like him now...he holds an interest in those type of things. Griffin is a little more like his momma , on the wild side, sooo he likes snowboarding and motorcycles...etc etc. But I think being diverse is EXTREMELY important so I will promote those activites as he gets older. Life shall be good for us. AHHH I just raised my head to see Shane looking through a book Jonathan brought here about ww2 hehehe so I guess they have more in common than we realize. *grins*

On another note, I have been reading, Maggs. Many times I cannot comment as I am at a loss for words. I think it comes from our relationship being "me depending on her" for support. I feel so inexperienced in life. I have made so many wrong decisions when it comes to love. I fear giving the wrong advice. I am worried about you. Your writing reflects what you feel inside. I know you have your children...but they are not your partner. They can fill a void but do not fill "his" void. Part of your soul feels empty and I feel that deep in me. Time heals wounds somewhat but we are always left wondering "what if". Your winter is setting in and the day grows dim faster but your life is not dim. Those times you are sitting on the floor unable to move...paralyzed, think of your favorite flower or song. Get up and paint your feelings. Try a new food. ((( I am trying to come up with ideas to help you smile))) Me, I just get angry . I find the anger helps me move on...but I know you are a different type of woman...*sigh* I love you maggs and it hurts to know you are hurting. Will you ever be the When Tony left he took part of the old you with him. But with that said you will evole to be a stronger you. Change is constantly occuring without it we would have chaos. I know you feel your life is in chaos now but it will settle. I just don't know when. I wish I could wave my pixie heart and make all your hurt leave. Know you ARE loved. *hugs*

I am having my surgery this Wednesday. It has been moved up a week. I am still going to St. John's with Jonathan on Thursday. I hope I don't have any problems. Still need to get the bloodwork done...*sigh* But I plan to get lots of that will make me happy.

Hope all of you are having a good week. And I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE that camera. hehehe. You are really a great photographer...oneday we will take photos together.