Friday, February 20, 2009

Fresh Starts...dead ends.

I haven't written in a long time. I don't know me anymore so it starts to become complicated when I try to gather my thoughts.

I have made Jamie move out. I am glad that it has happened cause all we seemed to do is fight. I am a complicated person. *shakes head at self* . I am made to be alone. *takes big gulp*. I know it. No matter what I do...I feel lonely inside. I know why and there is sfa that I can do. Let life works itself out i suppose.

I put jake down today. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. It killed me to do it. I really needed some caring arms..words...reassurances...idk. But I really never got any of it. In saying that... it was like a smack in the mouth...I trust to easily...I need to change it. I dont know how to. I wish i could. I am sick of being the one everyone else comes to or depends on...why can't I find that. Why can't more people be like me? I sit here and wait for a friend to be there for me...there is no one. Really....I see it and feel it but for some reason I ignore it. Silly girl ideas i assume...I shall soon withdraw again. I feel it starting up again.

My head is spinning. I feel like I am standing in the middle of the ocean in a whirlpool. I can't swim strong enough to keep myself afloat. Being a single mom again sorta sucks... i forgot how lonely it is. Those nights like tonight when all I want is a warm pair of arms ...Somehow feeling that way also makes me feel selfish...I wish i had a sleeping pill..

"Tracy, you are not like the rest of those ppl there, you are special" I wanted to believe those words...i did. But no matter what I am fooling myself and i know it. I am smart...hell yes..that is old news. Cocky, pretty, assertive...sure. am not special. I am hurting tonight...pretty fucking bad. I waited all day for you. Who...i have no fucking idea. Just a friend to be there for me...i dont got any. Ok i got tons of ppl i real friends. I called jen 730 this morning and cried into her answering machine...she called me back this evening. I asked her...why am i like this? Tell know me best...she had no answer except "its your way tracy, you were your heart on your sleeve" . i do. I am washing that shirt.

I think of years down the road. Me and the it will be. Idk...will they understand me. I think about Jim allot lately. I have been told he has been asking for my number for a few years and because the ones he is asking don't want to betray me they have tried to avoid it. Mary anne said he is off the drugs. That makes me feel very good. I wonder if he thinks about me. If he would be proud of who I am today. It has been 6 years (may 1st) since I have seen him. I remember that day by the store. He walked up to my car and spoke with us...his ex and his two sons. I was so young then. He seemed so old. I hated him that day. I gave him no reaction. I wish I had that moment back...I would sit and talk civil to him. I used to belittle him. He used to intimidate me. Life inst suppose to be like that...

Anyhooooooo, I have been taking lots of pics but I cant post one tonight cause the last few are of the kids , jake and I. I dont want to go look at them yet...maybe tomorrow. I hope i am making the right decisions this time around. I am one of those ppl who if they have two roads...i take the one less travelled. I always have to make it hard on myself. LOL. Yeh I suck.

I am a freak of nature...I look for that person who is like me. They dont have to be JUST like me..that would be boring...but...why do I always feel alone inside. What is my life lacking? I look at certains parts of my body as I type finger wrists....I am a freak.

I had a semi fight with a friend. An old friend who is in love with me. Has loved me for 12 years. I could call him right now and he would fly me and the boys to him. Knowing this hurts. I love him but not like he loves me. He is fat. That is a big problem for me. He also is as god dayum cocky as I am so we tend to get sarcastic with each other. I miss him...i miss being special to him. He is moving to vancover island...even further away. I tried to sorta tell him he could come live with me. he wrote me in private and said he knows I am here for him and he didnt mean to hurt my feelings. He said he had nobody here at home. Suggested I travel and see the world oneday. That was his dig at me for staying here when he begged me to leave. *sigh* oh glennie...what am i doing...I am one fucked up

I think I need a night out to the bar with Mary anne. We need to get out and socialize. She wants a movie, wine and jammie night...I want to feel free. I want to dance. i want to dance like no one is watching....(oh i do that but ...well going out for me ends up not being about the becomes a dayum I shall see after work tomorrow.

Good night...