I have been reading a book called "The Shack".
It deals with god's apparent absence in the world and one man's search for answers. This has brought me to consider my own "god" and my searching for "answers".
I grew up catholic. I was surrounded by religion from birth. I attended RC schools. Graduated from one. Attended church on ALL holidays and every other Saturday evening when my parents would force my attendance. I recall being called to my parents coffee table after dinner to kneel down to say the rosary. All this seemed so fake for me. Empty.
For me I felt closer to god when I was in nature. When I would smell a flower or feel the sun on my face. It is then I would speak to god. It was then I would share my problems and find some solace in how I did it.
Then I got older and became more cynical. I do not know if these feelings appeared due to in part being educated. I find it hard to believe that what I am going through is part of some greater scheme.
So here I am.
But it just don't feel right to me. I can't say that I do not believe in god because this would be a lie. I am not that bold. Myself, as confused as i am, could never determine the existence of god. I can only try to make sense of it all.
It is so hard. Again, another aspect of my life where I feel lost.
I think I shall return the book to its owner.
