Time of my Life

The Book of Awakening

2011-07-04T22:25:00.003-02:30

"We are rare; not perfect"

I am reading a book by Mark Nepo. This is a quote from it. The book actually belongs to my room mate, Rob, but we are sharing it night for night...lol. The format of the book is delightfully constructed day by day of the year.

It works like a calendar; you wake each morning and read the date that you are at. I have skipped around the book.

It is a self help book. Or i consider it that genre. The purpose behind the book for me is to make me connect with the real me again. She has been tucked away; deep inside for so long it has been difficult to find her. I am not saying I have found her yet; just that I know she is there; waiting.

I have decided to write and post pictures again. I have missed it. I just have one small problem, I am using a notebook. I have no bloody idea how to get my canon shots on this bugger. Time to get a new laptop I guess. :( Until then I will try and use johnny's mac to save them to a jump drive. Yes, i know, i need external memory...

I think I just need some memory...lol.

2010-01-11T16:05:00.002-03:30

I am closing this blog. I shall not post or come here ever again. I will leave it up for the memories it contains.

I can be found at http://ladylove.keepconnectedlive.com/

Have a good one...

Dear God...Here I Go Again.

2009-10-15T06:38:00.004-02:30

I have been reading a book called "The Shack".

It deals with god's apparent absence in the world and one man's search for answers. This has brought me to consider my own "god" and my searching for "answers".

I grew up catholic. I was surrounded by religion from birth. I attended RC schools. Graduated from one. Attended church on ALL holidays and every other Saturday evening when my parents would force my attendance. I recall being called to my parents coffee table after dinner to kneel down to say the rosary. All this seemed so fake for me. Empty.

For me I felt closer to god when I was in nature. When I would smell a flower or feel the sun on my face. It is then I would speak to god. It was then I would share my problems and find some solace in how I did it.

Then I got older and became more cynical. I do not know if these feelings appeared due to in part being educated. I find it hard to believe that what I am going through is part of some greater scheme.

So here I am.
But it just don't feel right to me. I can't say that I do not believe in god because this would be a lie. I am not that bold. Myself, as confused as i am, could never determine the existence of god. I can only try to make sense of it all.

It is so hard. Again, another aspect of my life where I feel lost.

I think I shall return the book to its owner.

Time away...

2009-09-18T07:04:00.002-02:30

It wasn't near enough time, yet, I was glad to be home with my boys. I have photos but I am waiting for them to come on a disk. I FORGOT MY CAMERA!!!!! I left it on the coffee table. *sigh*

The trip to see Jonathan was enlightening. I got to see where he lives. His apartment is very nice. I can't see where one would put a kitchen table but it is an apt for students, not families so it wouldn't have that.

I had a look at the little town he is living in. Nice and quaint. I liked it. The countryside is beautiful. It rained alittle on Sunday but overall I had a great day. By day's end both of us were exhasted. I enjoyed the time spent with him.

The next day I spent looking around. I went to lunch by myself. I had swiss chalet. I picked Jonathan up and we took a well deserved nap.

I can see how he could get lonely at times. But from what I seen I think he is doing just fine. He is a fighter deep inside. I am very proud of him and what he has accomplished so far.

As for me, I left Tuesday morning. The flight home was a little rough. I wasn't feeling all that well when I arrived so I was glad to see my van parked outside. It was a sign of home.

I hope he enjoyed my stay as well.

I woke at 5 am this morning. I want a nap now and it is 8am...*sighs*. I think I was overtired lastnight as I woke about 15 times. I have a full week booked at work. That is a good and bad thing. Good for the sake of the money and bad because I tend to forget about me when I am flat out. It wears me down.

Time to go. Work calls.

What Happened to my Creativity?

2009-08-27T19:56:00.003-02:30

I seem to have lost it. I must have left it somewhere...

I keep trying to remember when it mysteriously disappeared but I am unable to pin point it. I have considered a few times that it may have occurred. Last Sept. Hurricane Gustva (was it?). Or May, when I was doubting if I was loved or being played. Or a few weeks ago when I found out I was played (if even for a small moment). I am unable to pin point so I conclude that they all were contributing factors in turning my soul light gray.

Describing my feelings in colors is an old habit of mine. Those who know me well know this about me. So, I asked about color. I asked a friend to give me color. They didn't. I am slowly realizing that I shall not depend on anyone. Just me. And truthfully, I can't even do that anymore.

I decided to put my own color in my life and went out for a walk. I found what I had needed. Deep red.

I am back.

I wish I could come up great titles like Netmale..

2009-08-10T21:13:00.003-02:30

...then I wouldn't come across as being so serious. Soooooo, I have decided to give Jonathan another go. Why? Wellllll, I love him, firstly. Second, time has passed since he went looking for someone else. That sounds crazy as I type it but I accept that he wasn't ready for me at the time. With that I have to move on a truly forgive him. Plus, it was something he never meant for me to see. I found out through devious means...*shakes head*. I truly do not believe he meant for me to be hurt like I was. We have a great thing. I don't want to let it go. So I won't.

My mother will be home next week. I am very excited and thankful; yet nervous to see her. I couldn't write about how I was feeling. MY feelings were pushed deep by me. They still are there. I hope I can hold it together when I see her. *gulps* I hate crying.

Work is great. I am getting pretty exhausted though. I need a break soon. Even though to me it seems I am always taking a break. I know my days are full but yet they seem empty. Confucked, I know.

I plan on calling Doug tomorrow. I miss chatting up the rebel. I also wonder how Tyler is doing...

I also need to pay attention to Leslie. I miss her greatly. She has wrote me a few times and yet I fail to write back...not because I don't want to..I just forget by the time I have a chance to sit down. I miss and love you L.

Cowboy is the only one i still talk to on a regular basis. And even we have lacked in that area. Life demands that we be elsewhere.

Remember when I would get up at 5 am EVERY morning...hehehehe. I know some of you do...cause i would race to post before we all went to work. LOL. Well I think I shall try to get some morning posting in. The thing is I have NO photos. None. None that I would post...hehehe. Take that whatever way you wanna...lol. Perhaps I am just a perfectionist...????

Anyhow, Nancy Grace is on and I have to go scream and scowl at the TV...lol.

Snooping gets ya no where...

2009-08-03T17:17:00.003-02:30

I sit on my bed and glance to the left; out my window. The thought comes to me that i should write this entry in the rain. That way I wouldn't be able to feel my tears.

So much has changed for me in the last 6 months. I was fine with that; I needed the change. I am a woman who is very loyal and I thought i had found someone who was for me...who was loyal as well. I was wrong. Now I have to comes to terms with that. He will read about it here.

It's my own fault. Snooping gets you no where. Jonathan gave me his old laptop so I could talk with him considering he is not living in town. So as things have been a lil tense in the first place I decided to sit down and work on some photos. I went to facebook and changed my profile pic to one of us. *HA* Of one of him kissing me. While there I noticed I was left a message from an old freind on my wall...he wanted me to sign into yahoo and catch up with him. So now was the perfect time as I had the comp that Jonathan gave me. I clicked the yahoo icon and his id and password where there. Ok well I am me and so I hit sign in. I had a quick look at his list and hit the mail link. *shakes head* It was a very bad mistake. I beagn to have a look in his mail..i had no right but he do not make me feel number 1 so i acted without thinking. The day hasn't been good to start with...but when i read that in March he was online looking to meet someone behind my back...AFTER st. John's ....well. It says it all. What I REALLY am to him. A passing phase. I can't trust his words...or my feelings.

I am copying the emails here so I can come back and see them. My heart has to.

March 30th 2009---

"I got your address from c****rme.com

I'm a m*** *** and I am looking....."

March 31st---

"hello M*******

I came across your profile on ...(what the fuck??? this is me getting mad) and wanted to contact you to see how one might be worthy (oh fucker you have no idea what you have done) to be your S****"

March 31st

"hello I greatly apoligize" ETC FUCKING ETC. ((( same shit about hwere he found them))) I'm a single s******** male looking to meet ppl with similar interest ...and other bs. In, Particular i would like to S**** and W******* a (oh i could barf re-writing this fucking stuff). Thus I am contacting you to see how one must...( oh ya..gonna get sick...but it is ok..as i do this hate is taking over ..my rooms are shutting down..noooo they are burning. ) "I hope to hear back from you M"

OK, ya know what..i can do this to myself any longer. They get worst...he can relocate...looking for long term... like fucking hello you where talking of marrying me at this point..what a fucking typical man...

Jonathan would talk about men "waiting for the next best thing" ...he is talking about himself. Let him have Kat...I can do better than jonathan. I will give his mom the money for this computer in a few weeks. Tell her that Jon. I won't rip her off or none of that shit. Your fuck ups are not hers. I don't think I am going to speak to you ever again. I am not sorry i read your email. I may be hurt right now but i will be ok. May you have luck finding the right woman for you.

I can't believe you lied about your feelings...ya good buddy i give ya that.

2009-08-03T00:24:00.002-02:30

I miss this place.

I am back.

It is time to start back at what i love...photography.

I shall be shooting some red roses tomorrow. Hope i still have it..lol. talent i mean..hehehe.

Message to Myself.

2009-05-30T07:33:00.003-02:30

Yesterday was a full day; as today shall be. I woke and rushed about getting the kids out the door. Then I had to pick up Jamie who is doing the plumbing. I dropped him off at my shop and I took off to the hospital to see my mom before her exploratory surgery. The first of god knows how many. As I walked the halls my mind took me back to March when I had surgery. I was very scared. Jonathan was with me and it did give me strength that day. I reached deep inside and thought about what he would say to me if he was here. I would have reached for his hand...

Walking around the curtain I smiled. She was covered to her neck with a flannel sheet. I asked her how she was and if she was cold. She filled up and told me she was doing ok. The topic went to the room temp, I told her how cold I was and cracked a cpl jokes about me wanting the nurses to heat the blankets before they give them to me. Her and my sister burst out laughing and said I musta thought I was in a hotel!!!! lolol. I thought about Jonathan and how he wants to live in a hotel. LOL.

We all sat there and didn't say much after that. We talked of how she would pay for living in St. John's. Idk. I have to help her. I will. They came to roll her to the OR and we went with her. She talked to the dr who put her to sleep and off she went. We went in the other direction...

I took my sister to lunch and then went back to the shop. Only one was allowed to stay after she came out. I got the call that she was out and doing fine about 2. *sigh*

I remember in February thinking, " this is going to be a year of change for me". I had no idea back then I would go through so much emotion in such a short time period. I realize I am alot of woman with a lot of emotion but it is time for it to slow down a bit. I don't think it has even come close to that. *sigh*

I sit here and think...the kids, mom, the house, the shop, the bills, the van, the yard, Corinna's wedding...the list goes on. I know I can handle it, I just have to stay positive. It isn't easy when you hit a brick wall every time you turn around. I am getting sore...I wonder will I heal from the beating?

Chaos in Life

2009-05-28T01:24:00.005-02:30

Today my life changed. I know it did. I didn't cry hard, it comes in slow seeping spurts.
I am pinning my emotion. It is the logical side of me. It tells me it will work out, you can't change anything, life is like this. But for someone like me to pin up emotion can't be good. I fear it won't work out. Today, my mother was diagnosed with throat cancer.

It must be frustrating knowing you are sick and have no one really think much of it.
She said she had it a month ago and we didn't take her seriously. She found out today. My sister fell to the floor and has been hysterical ever since. She is carrying her second child and just got off bed rest weeks ago. I have heard mt dad is acting like everything is ok. He is using his logical side. I get that ability from him.

I fear I will fall apart and no one will pick up my pieces.
I am alone. Jonathan is at school. Life is life and it is what it is. He is there as much as he can be. He is coming June 11th for 5 days. I need him. I don't wish life away; it is too precious (as I am now truly discovering); I just wish it would be june the 11th for a month. Supporting Mom ,with no arms to hold me at night, shall be another strggle. Thank god for the net. ***Ahhh next issue....

I started to believe in god again...now i don't.

The Beginning

2009-05-17T12:15:00.003-02:30

Today Jonathan starts school. I woke with excitement and pride. He has a certain way with young adults. Being as patient as he is his approach works. Starting school again takes courage at his age. 38. I know it isn't old...lol...but I am referring to working for so long and then just changing pace so quickly. Very spontaneous..tehe. I am a jumper when it comes to everyday life; not so sure when it comes to school. My cautious side shows. I KNOW he will do very well with his program. I look forward to the day I write about his graduation:)

It is raining here in Newfie land and I am soon to start working. It isn't that cold rain we normally get; its mild, sorta warm. I had a long day with work yesterday as I had two very large dogs thrown in the mix. It wiped me. I am considering taking some sort of vitamin.

I will be in my shop soon. There isn't much work to be done there; or i am told that. I need to get the tub installed, hot water tank installed, and the rest is cosmetic. I have chosen a new name for my shop; Doggie Stylz. After many a conversation about this issue it is what it is..lol.

The greenery and color is beginning to arrive here. This rainfall will only help it along. I have to work on my front lawn, lol. It is horrible. I plan to use my weekends to do these extra things. I started a photoblog. I will post the link here. I just have to log in to get it and I am a lazy woman right now...lol. I have been taking a few photos but have yet to work with them. I process..lol.

Fake Burnette--- I loves ya misses *hugs* A nice talk would be good.

Changing my Routine

2009-05-16T08:41:00.003-02:30

I woke to the sun. I had forgot to close the curtians before I went to bed and the suns warmth held me at dawn. It was comforting and hollow in the same moment. I rolled over and forced my body to get up; walked over to the mirror and stared at myself. I burst into tears. Sobbed.

Lately I feel that change is not always for the best. I know it is selfish but my heart can't help that. My mind tells me to be patient; it is for us; the best. My heart says you lost your bestfriend, lover, soulmate.

My life has changed again. I suddenly feel empty. Like part of me is missing, void. It is ironic really. It is like god is teasing me. I can see it now. He sits and watches as I climb and stumble, little chuckles at my expense. All the while I continue to entertain. Oh well. I am doing my best.

I am opening a shop outside of the house. It was sorta pushed on me at first. I like the idea now. I know it is going to be a handful because I have the kids to take with me but I know the business very well. I will be ok.

The space I am renting is across from the vet and skateboard park. It is just the perfect size and I knew this when I first seen it. I want it to be open and spacious. It makes it easier to keep clean. It will all work out in the end, I hope.

The last few days the boys have been #1. They know I am sad so I am getting lots of those "aweeeee mom" hugs. Plus, they are both playing outside ALOT. I still have thier wii put away and it seems to be working; they are getting out. Thursday evening ALL the kids played spotlight till 10:00 and I let them stay out also. Kids were everywhere, lolol. It was good for them.

I have decided to open a photoblog at wordpress. Cowboy talked me...NO, demanded...lol, yip, that I make it. I showed him some photos that I took when Jonathan took us to Bottle cove and Rocky Harbour;) That was it...It was demanded that I create the blog. Which I will do when I finish here. It will help get me back to me. I enjoy sharing my heart through photography. I have been thinking about my photography and how I have slacked off it. It used to be one of the only times I got to be away from everything and forget. Forget the world existed. Well it didn't. Only my world existed. Right there in the moment. I shall look for that again. So the blog will help. Like this one does.

Insecurities...

2009-03-23T15:55:00.004-02:30

...we all have them. Even me. No wait, especially me..lol. I am one of the most confident women I know *grins* , yet at times I let those lil fears creep deep inside which play and taunt with my emotions. I usually swallow those feelings and move on. It becomes almost mechanical. Sometimes I alienate my feelings from myself. *interesting thought*

I am definitely not alone. Jonathan also has them. *smiles softly* I know we are in the beginning stages of our life and I can be quite the handful when it comes to my emotions. *grins* So can the kids. He handles it well for a man who do not share his emotions with many. I am grateful he chooses to do so with us.

This past Saturday night we had a very important discussion. It cleared alot of things up. I know where we both stand. Side by side. I love that. Knowing. It can become problematic when a person do not think they are important in someones life. Thoughts race and feelings grow...sometimes not the clearest feelings. It feels good having my place in his life clear to me. Knowing I am the woman he wants to spend his life with makes my heart smile. I LOVE when that happens.

Shane and Griffin think alot of him as well. He wonders if they have things in common. I do not. *smiles* I like that they are all different in their own ways. I do know one thing they have in common....me. They all love me. I plan to be the glue that keeps "us" together. As for baseball, basketball, hockey and all those guy things...hehe, that will come. Shane is alot like him now...he holds an interest in those type of things. Griffin is a little more like his momma , on the wild side, sooo he likes snowboarding and motorcycles...etc etc. But I think being diverse is EXTREMELY important so I will promote those activites as he gets older. Life shall be good for us. AHHH I just raised my head to see Shane looking through a book Jonathan brought here about ww2 hehehe so I guess they have more in common than we realize. *grins*

On another note, I have been reading, Maggs. Many times I cannot comment as I am at a loss for words. I think it comes from our relationship being "me depending on her" for support. I feel so inexperienced in life. I have made so many wrong decisions when it comes to love. I fear giving the wrong advice. I am worried about you. Your writing reflects what you feel inside. I know you have your children...but they are not your partner. They can fill a void but do not fill "his" void. Part of your soul feels empty and I feel that deep in me. Time heals wounds somewhat but we are always left wondering "what if". Your winter is setting in and the day grows dim faster but your life is not dim. Those times you are sitting on the floor unable to move...paralyzed, think of your favorite flower or song. Get up and paint your feelings. Try a new food. ((( I am trying to come up with ideas to help you smile))) Me, I just get angry . I find the anger helps me move on...but I know you are a different type of woman...*sigh* I love you maggs and it hurts to know you are hurting. Will you ever be the same...no. When Tony left he took part of the old you with him. But with that said you will evole to be a stronger you. Change is constantly occuring without it we would have chaos. I know you feel your life is in chaos now but it will settle. I just don't know when. I wish I could wave my pixie heart and make all your hurt leave. Know you ARE loved. *hugs*

I am having my surgery this Wednesday. It has been moved up a week. I am still going to St. John's with Jonathan on Thursday. I hope I don't have any problems. Still need to get the bloodwork done...*sigh* But I plan to get lots of photos...so that will make me happy.

Hope all of you are having a good week. And Burst...man I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE that camera. hehehe. You are really a great photographer...oneday we will take photos together.

LOL I did it to myself again...

2009-03-19T06:42:00.003-02:30

I have been writing in the early hours. I like doing that. It is my alone time. For a very long time it was the time of the day when I used to drink coffee with Cowboy, stare at Jamie and wish I was somewhere else in the world. Then it became my Johnny lovin time. That is also changing. Now it is my time. I have begun the process of refocusing myself again.

I talked to Cowboy yesterday (i try to everyday) about how I act when I get scared; I withdraw. I did it to him and now I fear doing it again. He told me it don't feel very good when I do that. It hurts. I never tried to do that. I think it is a method self protection that I evolved when Jim was in my life. I am fighting it like no man biz right now. Sorry Cowboy, you mean alot to me and I would never want to hurt you. *BHK*

Jonathan got into school. I am very excited for him. It is a great opportunity for him. He will be a very good high school teacher. I wish him all the best in his endeavors. I will support him in anyway I can. He is a great man and deserves this. This Saturday we have some kind of party to go to. It has been 10 years since the 1999 Canada Games and it is a reunion of some kind. I shall go to see what it is all about. *raises eyebrow*. Next week we go to Sin John's (hehehe) we are leaving on Thursday and wont be back till Sunday. I am looking forward to it. I hope all goes well for us. I plan to take my laptop so I wont lose contact with anyone. OF COURSE I AM TAKING MY CAMERA. I hope Jon do not mind stopping so often for photos but he will have to with me in...lol.

Mary anne is going to Sin John's this weekend. I now know that I will spend a bit of time there this summer. It shall be a girlfriend summer. It could get very interesting. lol. I look forward to it. Our drinks in Big Cook's, driving all over newfie land with her, camping, swimming, hiking, fishing (ok she dont fish to much but sits and drinks wine while i do..lol). I also have sissy wedding in August. I got to get on the ball with that. *grins*

I have a very busy day today. Not so much with clients but my life. I have to see Dr. Coffey (Dashers dad) about my leg. I have to go to the dump...lol. yip the stinky dump. I still have the issue of tossing out my garbage on the proper day...LOL. I just try to drive it over every so often. I will take my camera. I hope to see the big shithawks and the family of eagles that live there. They are magnificent. I need to do my hair. I need the back cut. Mom wants me to regrow it. Cowboy said something once about my haircut..." I did it in response to Jamie" I think he is right. I tried to take my softness away. It didnt work as well as planned...my heart is still soft. I hide a small part of myself deep inside in hopes not to have it hurt. The lil girl in me I assume...

Holy cow...it is daylight out now. I have to go get my day started. I need to go get that stupid bloodwork done over...I am having the surgery on the 31st. I am happy about that. It is LONG over due. Then off to the dumppity dump!!!! lolol.

Hope you all enjoy your day! *kisses*

Catching up...

2009-03-17T06:26:00.004-02:30

I have been awake for hours. My right arm is paining. I think trying to keep up with the fire is going to hurt me in the long run. I have no heat in my house...not really. Jamie has managed to remove most of the heating system here over the last few years and had installed a wood stove. I am not as young as I used to be so I find it hard to keep the fire going. The wood stove is in the basement, where the shop is so I usually work in what feels like the artic. I need to go start the fire soon...sigh. Dayum wood stove. I know it is hurting me today. Fuck I hate pain. Any kind of pain. Physical or emontional. I guess that do not make me special...lol...we all hate pain. Those kinds anyway...

Burst asked me last night what photos have I been taking. Not many. I actaully think i am in order for some flowers and some spring...it has to come soon or I am in BIG trouble. Those who know me well know how I get every winter. DEPRESSED!!!!! Well I feel it washing over me today and no matter what I do I can't shake the dayum sadness.

Depression....not me. Well, normally not me. Leaving Jamie was the beginning to making some life changes for myself. I am drug free. I am normally happy on a daily basis. But I have a few issues I am trying my best in dealing with and I feel I am lacking...

ISSUE 1--The kids. They give me a hard time. Last night I just wanted to ball my eyes out with all the hurt and anger I was feeling. I didn't. I swallowed it and I am trying to move on...new day, right?

Shane is not so much my problem. He is 12 and normally is easier to deal with. He has to learn how NOT to fight with his younger brother. It is added stress. I can't complain to much about him. All he needs to do is his books and help me clean a bit....

Griffin is a diffierent ball game. He is only 9. Single digits still and I am becoming very fustrated with how to get him to focus. The thing being...I am becoming to hard on him. For the sake of my peace I am riding his ass like a cowboy. It isn't fair as I am the one who let him become the way he is. He won't do homework without a fight. When he do attempt it he works at it half ass. He is smart mouth...he thinks he is a man and has the right to speak back to me as such. AND when I try to punish him for his actions he grins at me or kicks up a fight. He is exhasting me. Literally making me exhasted. I have to see his teacher this week and I am scared to death I will lose it. See...even though I complain about this issues...he is still my child...my baby, and when I see him get slighted or see someone treating him a certain way...it hurts me and I go on the defensive. Soooo i am assuming I will have a fight on my hands. *sighs* I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time and hope for the best. But lately...he hasn't been getting an easy time from me. I don't plan on slacking either but I do plan on changing how he is treated. I miss just talking to him... I have to figure something out or I will go mad.

ISSUE 2---work. It was easy when jamie was here to put my entire being into it. Lately i have slacked at making appointments. I am planning on changing that.

I need to get my life refocused. I seem to be in limbo...

I think part of all this sadness is that I am PMS'ing. When this time of the month comes I feel the entire world is selfish and hates me...I am aware of it but have a very hard time controling these feelings. IDK...

I have to say...Alaskan warrior txted me threw the night and i just seen it..hehehe made me smile...thanks William.

Ohh about the photo...it is an old one that I took a few years ago. It is cold cooks brook. It reflects how I feel today. Unloved and cold. *sigh* It will pass....

Abigail

2009-03-11T05:04:00.003-02:30

I am not to sure of the clarity of the photo here. I took this the day Abigail was born. I wanted her to know what it was like the day she was born ALLLLL around the world. Especially in a place belong to someone who loved her Grandma so dearly. Congrats Maggs on your new baby granddaughter. This is the Bay of Islands...

Excelling Don't Always Do the Heart Good.

2009-03-09T12:22:00.005-02:30

This past weekend was a busy one for me. I worked, plus Shane's basketball team was in the Provincial playoffs. They did well until they had to play a team we all call CC. They have never beaten CC. I don't understand much about how the crossover system works or wtf ever it is called but they had gotten down to playing CC for the semi finals. They lost. The thing that impressed me was their score is usually very wide. Like 30 points diff...not this time. There was only a 12 point diff. I thought the boys played very well. They worked hard at beating these guys (CC) and didn't...but I assumed at games end they would all feel wonderful about the great try they gave. All the faces seemed very happy, except for one, Shane's.

Although he got his first basket of the year, it made no difference. NONE AT ALL. If anything i wish he had not made the basket. When the basket went in I was so proud of him and still am. But my mind is not a child's anymore. And my childhood is not Shane's. I was well liked by allot of kids; had tons of confidence. Not Shane. He has no confidence at all. I see it. I help create this. I suck. I let things go on or didn't let them go on over the years and it has affected how he looks at life...his life.

After the game he came out of the locker room with a very sad face. He was sad that they lost. I said, "YESSSSSS but YOU GOT A BASKET!!!!!!" His reply was, " So what, a foul basket and no one even touched me" . *sigh* I didn't notice. I know that all of us parents got pretty excited for him but he was right. Not one member of his team even gave him a high five. I never thought of it. I am so independent that something like that would not have even bothered me. But it bothered Shane and still is. I didn't know what to say to him about it all. He has been told he is not very sportsman like. A few times after some games where his teammates were rough housed he refused to congratulate the other team. His reason for this was..."# 23 hit Cory in the face or # 11 pushed Brady" The sad fact is that Shane is only acting this way because he wants the boys to like him and be his friend but what he fails to realize is that they would not stand up for him this way. He wants to be accepted. Being a girl and one who always follows her heart with absolute passion I have not experienced these feelings to the degree Shane is. I always fit in. It is my nature. But now I feel it. I feel his pain and it isn't good. I want to protect him from those feelings. Idk how to. Kids can be cruel without even knowing they are doing so.

I guess I should just be grateful he is no longer being beat up after school...*sigh*

Lonely Larry

2009-03-08T14:53:00.004-02:30

Friday evening the kids went with my Mom and Dad. After Jonathan and I dropped them off we decided to go to DQ for a bite to eat. On the way into the mall I stopped for a smoke and Jonathan went ahead to read the community bulletin board. I joined him shortly afterwards. I seen this piece of paper tacked up and took a closer look. LOL....I see that Larry is very lonely. I got Jonathan to take a pic with his Blackberry as I didnt have the camera with us. I figured I would help him out by posting his ad here.. LOLOLOL.

The ad says..." My name is Larry and looking for a nice woman and a permented girlfriend and undrunken and unsmoker must be in here early 50's or early 40's My number is 634-4032 please call me at anytime."

Now ladies, I know his grammer and spelling leave alot to be desired..lol and you ladies who are in your late 40's have no chance...LMFAO, but I think Larry boy here is a real winner. hehehhee... If I wasn't involved I just may have called myself...tehe. I am fighting the urge right now as I type. NOT!!!!!!

Hiding

2009-03-04T14:42:00.003-03:30

I have spent the last few months hiding. I have no idea why. I wrote a lil bit...but my heart was not in it. Now part of my heart is hurting for Maggs and i have decided to come back. I miss you all to much to stay away forever...I am going to js now to get my dayum name back...hehe. I know I owe this blog a photo for today...i will get at it laters...for now...JS. Someone has to tell me how to add to the blog roll...my mind is numb...I am trying to get it to come back to life.

2009-03-03T23:02:00.003-03:30

I need to write. I have been gone so long from you all that I have forgotten how to communicate in this medium. My life has consisted of facebook and the odd email. Knowing my friends are hurting and are so far from me ...hurts moi. I wish for one day we could all be together to laugh, cry, get angry, fustrated...let our emotions flow and ebb into each others...as we do here.

I wonder why I have closed down so much of myself since the great js crash...i still have no answer for it. I believe it is the fact that I could hide there...here i dont feel that yet. I dont feel the privacy I felt when on js. I know one thing for sure...in doing so i have somehow closed out those who matter. I NEED to change that.

I am going to try to make a promise to myself...take one photo a day and write a poem to go with it. I may have to force myself to post but i will. It is hard not taking photos daily...I think much of my stress was relieved from those moments with the camera...I shall make Jonathan take me for a drive tomorrow to get some photos....out the bay.

I miss you all....very much. *kiss* I hate that it is what it is.......

Kisses and Smiles for the Camera

2009-02-26T09:45:00.002-03:30

Jonathans sister wants to see my face...lol. Maybe i will get some this weekend. Always the photographer and never the model...

Fresh Starts...dead ends.

2009-02-20T23:27:00.002-03:30

I haven't written in a long time. I don't know me anymore so it starts to become complicated when I try to gather my thoughts.

I have made Jamie move out. I am glad that it has happened cause all we seemed to do is fight. I am a complicated person. *shakes head at self* . I am made to be alone. *takes big gulp*. I know it. No matter what I do...I feel lonely inside. I know why and there is sfa that I can do. Let life works itself out i suppose.

I put jake down today. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. It killed me to do it. I really needed some caring arms..words...reassurances...idk. But I really never got any of it. In saying that... it was like a smack in the mouth...I trust to easily...I need to change it. I dont know how to. I wish i could. I am sick of being the one everyone else comes to or depends on...why can't I find that. Why can't more people be like me? I sit here and wait for a friend to be there for me...there is no one. Really....I see it and feel it but for some reason I ignore it. Silly girl ideas i assume...I shall soon withdraw again. I feel it starting up again.

My head is spinning. I feel like I am standing in the middle of the ocean in a whirlpool. I can't swim strong enough to keep myself afloat. Being a single mom again sorta sucks... i forgot how lonely it is. Those nights like tonight when all I want is a warm pair of arms ...Somehow feeling that way also makes me feel selfish...I wish i had a sleeping pill..

"Tracy, you are not like the rest of those ppl there, you are special" I wanted to believe those words...i did. But no matter what I am fooling myself and i know it. I am smart...hell yes..that is old news. Cocky, pretty, assertive...sure. But...special...no...I am not special. I am hurting tonight...pretty fucking bad. I waited all day for you. Who...i have no fucking idea. Just a friend to be there for me...i dont got any. Ok i got tons of ppl i know...but...no real friends. I called jen 730 this morning and cried into her answering machine...she called me back this evening. I asked her...why am i like this? Tell me...you know me best...she had no answer except "its your way tracy, you were your heart on your sleeve" . i do. I am washing that shirt.

I think of years down the road. Me and the boys...how it will be. Idk...will they understand me. I think about Jim allot lately. I have been told he has been asking for my number for a few years and because the ones he is asking don't want to betray me they have tried to avoid it. Mary anne said he is off the drugs. That makes me feel very good. I wonder if he thinks about me. If he would be proud of who I am today. It has been 6 years (may 1st) since I have seen him. I remember that day by the store. He walked up to my car and spoke with us...his ex and his two sons. I was so young then. He seemed so old. I hated him that day. I gave him no reaction. I wish I had that moment back...I would sit and talk civil to him. I used to belittle him. He used to intimidate me. Life inst suppose to be like that...

Anyhooooooo, I have been taking lots of pics but I cant post one tonight cause the last few are of the kids , jake and I. I dont want to go look at them yet...maybe tomorrow. I hope i am making the right decisions this time around. I am one of those ppl who if they have two roads...i take the one less travelled. I always have to make it hard on myself. LOL. Yeh I suck.

I am a freak of nature...I look for that person who is like me. They dont have to be JUST like me..that would be boring...but...why do I always feel alone inside. What is my life lacking? I look at certains parts of my body as I type this....my finger tips...my wrists....I am a freak.

I had a semi fight with a friend. An old friend who is in love with me. Has loved me for 12 years. I could call him right now and he would fly me and the boys to him. Knowing this hurts. I love him but not like he loves me. He is fat. That is a big problem for me. He also is as god dayum cocky as I am so we tend to get sarcastic with each other. I miss him...i miss being special to him. He is moving to vancover island...even further away. I tried to sorta tell him he could come live with me. he wrote me in private and said he knows I am here for him and he didnt mean to hurt my feelings. He said he had nobody here at home. Suggested I travel and see the world oneday. That was his dig at me for staying here when he begged me to leave. *sigh* oh glennie...what am i doing...I am one fucked up woman..lol.

I think I need a night out to the bar with Mary anne. We need to get out and socialize. She wants a movie, wine and jammie night...I want to feel free. I want to dance. i want to dance like no one is watching....(oh i do that anyhow...lol) but ...well going out for me ends up not being about the girls..it becomes a dayum circus...men...pffftttt. I shall see after work tomorrow.

Good night...

Bay of Islands

2009-01-31T11:27:00.004-03:30

I have not worked on my html codes in two nights. I know I need to change the photo I am using. I just have to find the right one. Today is not the day for it. :)

This is my home. The cove of lights is Corner Brook.

Auntie, I Had A Story Dream.

2009-01-27T22:07:00.008-03:30

The phone rings. I answer, "hello"? I hear a small voice coming from the "Hi Auntie". My sweet baby nephew Blake is on the other end. "I had a story dream". This was the first time I had ever heard of a story dream. "Oh really, buddy, tell me about it". he went on, "I was in the wind. It was a very hard wind. Auntie, you had my hand and was holding me tight. But you couldn't hold on cause the wind was so hard. You let Blakie go." Ohhhhhhh my heart. He had a nightmare. *sigh* I spoke softly, "Blakie blue eyes, your story dream is just that, a dream. Auntie got storng hands she would never let you go." I hear a giggle on the line. Then silence. He has hung up. hehehhee He does that. He is a man of few words...

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

2009-01-27T16:01:00.002-03:30

I am constantly evoling. Again, I am at this dang page..lol. Ok, well at least I have one thing done today with this blog. I have to go set the deminson of the photo again now. Later maybe. Hotdog time now. mmmmmm hungry mamma.

2009-01-25T21:43:00.000-03:30

Grrrr this html is making me nuts....

I will get it yet. I cant get comments to work..lol.

I Like my Spot...

2009-01-24T21:15:00.009-03:30

...here at blogger. I have come to appericate the quiteness of it. I am begining to trust this place. I do not know who reads me and I don't care anymore. I feel safe here. Whew, finally...lol. Jesus doug..i can't get my pics up!!!!!!!! leave me a how to, will ya!!! LOLOLOL...*smacks forehead*

I haven't been posting my photos here. I have been nervous that I wouldn't get feedback. Today I decided I get the feedback I need already. I will just post what I like and feel.

I just came from JS. Or the new JS. or whatever that crowd over there are fighting about. WHAT A BUNCH OF FOOLS! Yes, folks, you heard it hear first. I think most over there are fucking tards that have no life and choose to live in this "fake" community. They haven't became friends. They are actually fighting again. The same ole shit just a different pile. For fuck sake. grow the fuck up. Ahhhh that felt good. Cursing..lol. I will visit the ones who hate the drama. The ones who choose to treat others like humans. Feel free to fuckign comment but I DO CONTROL this world..mmmwwwwaaahahahahahahaha :>

I am sitting here wanting to go dancing. I can't find my bank card...that blows. Mary ann has called me 4 times. I should try. I miss spending time with her. She makes me laugh more often than anything else. I need to go call her. lol.

Enjoy your night!!!!

I Wonder Does he Remember?

2009-01-06T12:00:00.003-03:30

Today my oldest turns 12. This exact moment 12 years ago I was on my way to buy food. Jim was gone working out. Our Honda's front seat use to stick. being so small if he drove it before I did I would have to get in the back, reach around the front over the seat and under, let the latch go a half notch and get back and push the seat forward with my feet. It was a task but worked. :)
It was during this process of the first notch when my water broke. But of course I didn't know this. First baby and all. I thought I had pee'd myself. I was so embarrassed. lol. I made my way back to the house just as Jim was getting in. I told him I had pee'd and he came and had a look at me. It was at this moment he informed me I was in Labour. Oh, really? lol. Sure enough..

So we made our way to my mothers house. I wanted to go get the food i was on my way to get seeming I would be in the hospital for a few days..but NOOOOOOOOOOO. So it was decided that I should go in to emergency.

Jim left me. LOL. I went outside to get in the car and he was at the end of the road! LOL. he realized it at this point and turned around and came back for me. I guess he thought he could have the baby without me. ;P

I walked in the hospital and away we went to the caseroom. During my pregnancy I walked 3miles everyday. To the very end. It saved me. I was only in labour 7 hours 16 mins and Shane Michael was born. I was happy with how it all went. I never swore...ME...ok once. I told the dr to get this fucking child outta me! lol. But that was 8 mins before he came out...I think I did pretty good considering.

After it was all over, it was just Shane and I, in our room (which we shared with 4 other women..but I had the curtain across). I felt 3 things. This overwhelming love, exhaustion and fear. I knew at this moment my life was going to change forever. It was and still is an exciting journey. I am blessed to have him.

I wonder does he remember today?

Adding Friends

2009-01-03T09:13:00.003-03:30

I am changing. I want good people in my life. Only good people. I am working hard at achieveing this. I guess I have been doing it in real life for awhile.

So..lol. Yes some of you will think. She didn't read me much before. True. But since my leaving JS and then JS shutting down, I have had some real heartfelt moments. I truly wondered how certain ppl were doing. Those pf you who were on my facebook were written to off and on over xmas. Like Wizzy, WHO KEPT PUTTING UP COOKIE IDEAS>>>GAWD!!!! lol. I am 15lbs heavier..lol. Or Net, who i love dearly. You mr mr are one of the true friends I have online and in real life. Thanks. Bottom line. I have to give this idea a chance. And I don't think it will help if i don't reincorporate myself with you all. So here we are. I hope these two places we have decided to make home works out for us all. You all seem to be enjoying it. So here I is..lol.

I will jump on through out the day to add more of you. Finding you slowly. lol.

Life Will Go On

2009-01-03T08:03:00.004-03:30

I have read this statement twice in the last few hours. Truer words were never spoken. Life moves so fast! It so chaotic most times. I figure what needs to be done is to let the chips fall where they may and as usual I will pick up the pieces. LOL. I do. I seem to walk into lives, help them and move on somehow. Maybe it is I who choose to move on or I am forced to. Either way this process has occurred twice now. I am thinking there is something behind it..lol.

This blog will be different than my last. Again, not sure how but I know I want it to be. It was interesting this time trying to pick a handle..lol. I wanted my id to reflect who I am. So SunSilk to me is light. *smiles* I like the sun. Being born under the sign of Leo makes me a sun child..lol. I crave how the light wraps itself around me to warm my soul. *fondly remembers*. The soul part is there because this is what matters to me most. My innards..lol. My heart and soul. I put everything into my friendships. It comes from in there. *grins*

The title of my blog. The song is one by Bob Dylan. Why? It syas it all. People online pretend to be friends when in reality they are all out for themsleves. Just like in RL. I have meet a small handful who I think are worthy of having a friend like me. *smiles* Am I cocky...hell yes. But I am also truthful to. lol. Sometimes to a fault....ok, usually to a fault.

The Mii player..lol. yes, I like music so I have em up. lol. Sister Golden hair..well...i have yet to post the song on any player. It is too special to me but now..i wanna. I am her. I have been her for a longggggg time. I guess i have been told it is me by friends to. ...Hum, friends. I dont have very many real ones i dont think. I am one of those ppl who everyone likes and wants to be like but when it comes down to the crunch...I am one handful and most can't handle that. To be it or love it. Sooo I am alone inside. That is ok cause when I get close I get hurt.

Maybe it was time for js to be done. I have not been there for awhile. I have to be honest (again..lol) I can't help but think about those who have not been around for awhile. The ones who haven't posted...they don't know where everyone is. Maybe they do. For me Js was the beginning to the end. But now that it is gone...I will miss knwoing that certain ppl were there. Even if they didn't want to be my friend anymore. I could read them. Know they were thinking about me because they wrote about me. Now...that is gone. Those ppl do know how to reach me. *sigh* But I know never will. That person will watch me from afar forever. As i do them i guess. lol.

Today I plan to experiment with snow. taking photos of it etc etc. I am hoping to come up with some great shots. Being so long since i actually took some photos of any worth...I am hoping for the best....lol. Soooooo more than likely for the first lil while i will be a post whore. i also am trying to learn this site a bit more soooooooooooo...

Starting Over

2009-01-02T22:59:00.003-03:30

I guess I am here to start over. This time I plan to be more focused. I still have not figured out how I plan to do that.

This year has been a year of ups and downs. Like any other year. The last few months have been stressful and yet a learning experience. With little time on my hands I have come to appreciate the small things I have been forgetting about. I need more of me. I have to figure out a way to space my time more efficiently.

Blogger is different. But so am I. Plus, I adjust very well. I will play with it more as I go along.

My New Year's resolution is to write and post at least one photo a day.